Frustration is a normal part of life – and learning how to manage it is an important skill for children to develop.
Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions, control impulses, calm oneself down, and handle frustration without getting overwhelmed or having outbursts. It helps children stay focused on their goals, even in the face of strong feelings or unexpected difficulties.
Self-regulation skills are also key to emotional intelligence (EQ) – the ability to understand and manage one’s own emotions and relate well to others. Research shows that EQ is just as important as IQ when it comes to success and happiness.[1] Children with high EQ manage stress better, solve problems more effectively and bounce back from challenges with confidence.[2]
This article offers five practical tools to help your child learn to regulate their emotions and build the resilience they need to navigate life’s challenges.
1. Use the 'name it to tame it' trick
Why it works: When kids feel overwhelmed, their emotions can take over, leading to tantrums, outbursts, or shutdowns. But research shows that naming emotions can reduce their intensity. Neuroscientist Dr. Daniel Siegel[3] calls this strategy Name It to Tame It. When children label what they are feeling, their brains process emotions more effectively.
The trick: Instead of saying, “Calm down!” try:
Why it helps: Brain imaging studies show that when kids put feelings into words, the emotional centres of their brain calm down, allowing them to think clearly.[4]
Bonus hack: Try an Emotion Wheel (a colourful chart of feelings) to help younger kids expand their emotional vocabulary beyond just “happy”, “sad” and “angry”.
2. Teach the ‘press pause’ strategy
Why it works: Frustration often triggers impulsive reactions like crying, quitting, or lashing out. Teaching your child to pause before reacting helps them gain self-control and develop problem-solving skills.[5]
The trick: Introduce a simple 3-step technique:
Example: Instead of saying, “Just finish your homework!” try:
Why it helps: This teaches your child that frustration doesn’t mean “quit” but rather “pause, reset and try again.” Studies show that the simple breathing exercises recommended in this tip lower stress hormones and improve focus.[6]
3. Reframe by asking ‘what if it works?’
Why it works: When kids are stuck in negative thinking (“I’ll never get this right”), their brains resist problem-solving. But optimistic thinking helps them shift from "I can’t" to "What’s possible?"[7]
The trick: When your child says, “I’ll never be good at this,” ask:
Example: If your child says, “I’ll never make the soccer team,” try:
Why it helps: This tiny mental shift rewires the brain for optimism and problem-solving instead of helplessness.[8] Over time, your child will learn that effort leads to growth.
4. The ‘challenge accepted’ mindset trick
Why it works: When kids see difficult tasks as challenges rather than failures, they build grit, which is the ability to stick with challenges instead of giving up.[9]
The trick: Encourage your child to say:
Gamify the experience. Treat hard tasks like video game levels and celebrate small wins. If they push through frustration, acknowledge it: “You didn’t give up. That’s grit!”
Example: If your child struggles with a puzzle, instead of stepping in, say: “I love how you’re thinking through this. What’s another way you could try?”
Why it helps: Kids who embrace challenges develop a growth mindset, which leads to greater academic and life success.[10]
5. The ‘future you' perspective shift
Why it works: When kids are upset, they often feel like their problems will last forever. But helping them see beyond the present moment reduces stress and builds long-term optimism.[11]
The trick: When kids are overwhelmed, ask:
Example: If your child is upset about a bad test grade, say:
Why It Helps: This teaches kids that tough moments pass and that they have the power to shape what happens next.
Raising an emotionally intelligent child goes beyond eliminating frustration. It teaches them how to handle the emotion productively. However, emotional intelligence is more than handling feelings. It’s about using them to build confidence, resilience and a positive mindset. With the simple tools we’ve outlined in this article, you can create an environment where frustration and stress become stepping stones to growth.
Try one of these tricks this week and see how it shifts your child’s reaction to challenges!
REVIEWED BY DR JACQUELINE CHUNG
[1] Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books.
[2] Brackett, M. A., Rivers, S. E., & Salovey, P. (2011). Emotional intelligence: Implications for personal, social, academic, and workplace success. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 88-103. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00334.x
[3] Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child. Bantam.
[4] Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421-428.
[5] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4737958/
[6] Zelazo, P. D., & Lyons, K. E. (2012). The potential benefits of mindfulness training in early childhood: A developmental social cognitive neuroscience perspective. Child Development Perspectives, 6(2), 154-160.
[7] Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
[8] Seligman, M. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. Atria Books.
[9] Duckworth, A. L. (2016). Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. Scribner.
[10] Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
[11] Mischel, W. (2014). The marshmallow test: Why self-control is the engine of success. Little, Brown.